Parody

Original:

"How do I love thee?"
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

My Parody:

"How do I hate thee?"
by The Guy Whom Elizabeth Barrett Browning is Obsessed With

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.
I hate thee not merely for love of spite
But for you always keep me in your sight.
Your sickly stench has some demeaning grace.
I hate your greasy hair, your clothes, your face.
I hate thee everyday and every night.
When I see you there, I quickly take flight.
I gag when I see at me you do gaze.
You think your habits are worthy of praise.
Quality air lost with your every breath,
That voice of yours sounds of a dying goose.
I would rather be with those folks on meth
Than with you, --- if indeed I could do choose,
I would kick thee unto the realm of death.